i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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