I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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