I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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