hell yes lets make some ravioli
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
