When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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