Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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