When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
