Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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