Is it normal to miss your booty call?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
