Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
