I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
