You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
