Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
