I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize