I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
