I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
