happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
