Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize