I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
