The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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