its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
