I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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