I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
