she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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