i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
