I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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