No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
