Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
