flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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