You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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