the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
