I am midnight drunk by noon
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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