my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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