you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Life is so much better after having sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
