did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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