I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
