I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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