i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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