Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
