haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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