Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
