Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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