i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
