So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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