Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
