Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
