I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
