time to smoke my breakfast
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
