If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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