Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
