I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
