i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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