i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
