Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
