Your mouth is God's brothel.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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