gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
