You just made me feel so damn special
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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