There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
